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April 21, 2004

Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Your Creativity is Totally Spent

I guess it's TV Week on marchdecember, because while others are spending the week avoiding the boob tube, we seem to be writing about it. First came Jennifer's commentary on Extreme Makeover / The Swan, then she brought down judgment on Rocco "Anti-Trump" DiSpirito and his mediocre business savvy.

Meanwhile, I've been meaning to speak up about a television show of my own. That we have three columns in a row discussing what's on TV is purely coincidence, but I see no reason to discontinue the trend. Might as well make it TV Theme Week on marchdecember.

I love watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent. It comes on Sunday nights on NBC, and stars Vincent D'Onofrio as Detective Robert Goren, the most intelligent and amazing detective in the world. Goren and his partner (sidekick?) spend each week trying to figure out whodunit, usually without a shred of evidence.

Unlike other Law & Order fans, I don't enjoy watching the show for it's compelling writing, brilliant acting, or even to find out who was guilty in the end. I watch it because it's one of the most ridiculous, impossible, and unoriginal shows on television today.

Each episode starts with an unsolved crime. Nothing new here. Where "CI" really shines is in it's lead characters ability to figure out who did it and why. Goren manages to find guilt in the most implausable ways. Is the criminal a police officer? He uses his extensive knowledge of police procedures to deduce the perpetrator. Okay, that makes sense. Is he a lover of architecture? No problem. Detective Goren knows all about it. One recent episode saw the murderer draw suspicion because of the style of windows in their house. Goren knows absolutely everything about everything.

Armed with the thinnest of circumstancial evidence, the CI duo go in to confront the suspect. Goren then angers and intimidates the suspect, often in public, often playing them against friends or family. Finally, in emotional distress, the suspect confesses the crime to those around him, incriminating himself in the process.

Suddenly the police show up (for no apparent reason) and haul him away, leaving Mr. Goren with a humorous or enlightening ending quip.

This is the model for every single show. Unlike other Law & Orders, we never see the cases go to trial, possibly because Detective Goren's investigative techniques would never hold up in court. To use a real example from a couple weeks ago: the judge would say "So, let me get this straight, the accused confessed the crime to you, but you were at the time threatening him with a large lead pipe?"

"That's right your honor."

"And you were wildly swinging the lead pipe at his head?"

"Yes, your honor."

"Case dismissed."

This is to say nothing about Goren's (or is it D'Onofrio's) odd physical mannerisms, in which he wiggles around like a 35 year old Beavis who forgot his Ritalin. Come to think of it, if that raving lunatic entered my house with a lead pipe, I'd confess too, before he lost all motor control and inadvertently killed me.

Despite being one of the most repetitive, redundant shows on television today, Law & Order: CI is still better than a lot of reality television, and certainly better than any programming on UPN. If you've got an hour to waste next Sunday evening, go ahead and have a laugh by watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent.

Posted by March at April 21, 2004 12:00 PM

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